I want to be able to run again

Today, I went out for a run in the evening, hoping to feel a tiny bit better. My body couldn’t handle it and I felt worse afterwards.

I want to be able to run again. This blog post is a reminder to myself, of how I felt tonight so that I can start running again.

Running used to be an important part of my life. I started running regularly with my father around the age of 10. I still remember tracing a 5k running course around my house in Japan that we ran every weekend. Then we moved to England. Our go-to spot was a 5k around the Regent’s Park in London. On some weekends, he would take me to Richmond Park, to a fun-run event on Sundays. Wherever we moved, we always found places to run.

Running was what we did on the weekends and what we travelled for. It was usually just the two of us and what I remember my time with my father in my childhood. He was never really around, but he was always there when I went running. We travelled to different running events, and they’ve been some of the nicest memories with my father.

I ran for school in my early teens - I ran track (1500 m) and ran x-country in the winter. I wasn’t fast and didn’t really enjoy the competitive aspect (made me feel sick) but participating in it made me feel more confident in a place I felt I didn’t belong. It wasn’t the most popular sport, and it felt nice to be needed, to be asked to do something because I was ok at it. Especially in a country where I felt different, small and insignificant.

Then, when I reached high school, I stopped running. I tried getting back into it many times, but it never quite happened. I did reckless 60k runs without training at university that wrecked my legs for months after. I kept trying to get back into it, hurting myself and feeling depressed and awful about the state of my body and lack of mental strength to keep going.

Now, I can’t run long enough to feel the high anymore. I have knee issues and my body is so heavy I keep tripping. My inability to run has always bothered me, but it hit me really hard today. I came home and cried.

I want to start running again. Slowly but steadily so I don’t hurt myself. I want to start running, so I can continue to run for a long time. I’d love to run in the mountains too. Maybe it’ll give me a bit of boost in confidence. Maybe I’ll feel more at home away from home. Running always provided me with a tiny bit more sense of belonging & connection to places and people in a world where that feels impossible sometimes.

I want to start running again.