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Notes to self

·3 mins

Reminder to myself to never do this again.

Today I’m supposed to be leaving for Munich to participate in my first bike rally, but I feel super overwhelmed. I ended up pulling out of it last minute, and I think I regret it.

I was super overwhelmed.

A few reasons:

  • A possibility of having to move in Berlin again + some decisions needed from my side + discussions with current and future flatmates + looking for someone to move in if I were to move out
  • The usual work stuff
  • Work trip planned in Amsterdam right after the bike rally
  • Glasgow trip planned right after Amsterdam
  • Having to deal with moving right after Glasgow
  • Not feeling super happy with my whereabouts, future uncertainties, visa situ, residency permit situ
  • Back pain

Other reasons:

  • I haven’t started training for the Berlin Marathon, which is in 2 months (that I paid 200 EUR for, why?)
  • Climbing isn’t going great, I struggled on a 6b+ in the KI (gym) yesterday, which left me beyond sad. Lacking structure, planning and discipline in general
  • I haven’t gone on a run in a month
  • I recently finished a 6-week coaching session that made me question a lot about my life in general

Some thoughts #

I should’ve known that I’m the type of person who likes to sign up to events (e.g. marathons, bike rallies) in the hope that I will use the time leading up to the event to train and prepare. This rarely happens, and I should know this by now.

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The symptoms of such optimism for future self and wanting to challenge myself without having done the training itself often result in:

  • having to make last-minute purchases that are expensive
  • very stressful last-minute preparation (often affecting work, relationship and my mental stability)
  • participation often results in long-lasting injury that takes me out of the sport for a while

Just to remind myself even more, examples of such past events were:

  • 60km ultra marathon without training (hip flexor injury for a year, was late for a meeting at the uni lab)
  • Northcape4000 ultra cycling event without training (ulnar nerve injury for months afterwards, lots of doctor’s appointments, flying my dad over to Germany, going to the ER during a business trip, no climbing for months after, knee injury, 600+ EUR medical costs, mental breakdowns)

Dear future me, please please do not sign up to any event that you’re not physically already trained to do on the day you’re signing up to it.

Also, I need to remind myself that it’s ok to choose the easy option. It’s ok to not always do the hard things.

Pre-event panic #

I should remember that before any outdoor trip, I usually get very very nervous, usually when I’m packing or doing last-minute shopping for gear and equipment. I doubt a lot whether I should go through with it at all.

But 90% of the time, once I can get myself to the start line, I’m ok. Once I get going, it’s easier, and I forget that I ever had this doubt or a mini-breakdown pre-event.

Which is why, if I’m doubting before embarking on something hard or challenging, I tell myself that all I need to do is get to the start line. The panic, the doubts, the fear … these are all a normal part of the process, and it usually means I’m going to be doing something that’s worthwhile, something I’ll remember and look back on.